Due Date

I love stripes. Somehow, my addiction to striped clothes make me feel so much better. Especially today. I don't feel very good today.

The sadness started rushing in when I received a magazine called American Baby in the mail. Right below the title reads: “Healthy pregnancy, happy baby.” I got a free subscription to this magazine when I found out I was pregnant the first time. I hate that I am still receiving these dumb magazines via mail, and I wish they would stop coming to our little mailbox. Yes, I was PREGNANT...past tense. Today, October 3, 2012, is the day I was due. A million things went through my head when I heard the news the first time. I was 10 weeks along and I already had my baby names picked out. I was looking for cribs on Craigslist. I was pinning way too many Pinterest baby pictures. Maybe that was too early for me to get excited? Next time I will wait for the excitement to kick in.

I recently went through my 2nd miscarriage. I know many people are thinking, “Lots of women go through miscarriages-it’s totally common.” I know all this. That statement doesn’t take away the sadness. I guess hearing those things doesn’t make it any easier for me.

At first, I kept this trial to myself because I felt like it wasn’t acceptable to discuss or that I did something wrong.

I exercised too much...

I didn’t eat the right foods…

I slept on my stomach…

I took too hot of baths…

I used the wrong face wash…

I went to Target and looked at baby clothes even though I didn’t know the sex of the baby. I looked, but never bought anything. There was NEVER a doubt in my mind that the pregnancy wouldn’t work out. I just figured- I’m so healthy that nothing can go wrong. Boy, was that humbling. Then we got pregnant a second time. The excitement filled my heart-it’s going to work this time. We knew nothing could go wrong. But then it happened again at 8 weeks. “Oh, you were so early on in the pregnancy-it’ll be ok.” Hearing those words didn’t make it any better. Thank you for trying to comfort me, though.

I don’t want to take way from those wonderful, strong women who lose their babies at 7 months, 9 months, or even the death of a child or husband or [insert any other hard thing you can imagine going through here}. Or even those wonderful, strong women who can't get pregnant at all and have been trying for years. I love you, look up to you, and pray for you. We all have trials and we all handle it in different ways. We can’t compare our difficulties and our sadness. They are all challenging, even though some seem harder than others. Heavenly Father won’t give us more than we can handle. It's hard to remember that His plan and timing for us is better than our own.

My second miscarriage was even harder than the first. Hunter definitely saw me at my lowest. I would have to go to work and help people at the psych hospital with their losses. I wanted to scream. Then I went to church and everyone was getting pregnant, everyone having babies around me. This all may be a little dramatic but it’s sometimes how I feel. I can't believe I am writing these things on my blog-well, it's good I only have like 5 people who actually follow my blog-3 who actually read it. I guess tonight the blog is going to be my outlet to get out my feelings.

The doctor can’t find anything wrong with me so I guess that’s a good sign?

People would tell me, “Well at least you get pregnant quickly-some people can’t get pregnant at all.” I know people try to be nice by saying these things, but honestly, it doesn’t help. It doesn’t take away the fact that I have been pregnant twice and lost both babies. Deep down I think it would have been nice to have not been pregnant at all yet. I wouldn’t have seen the positive pregnancy test, or held Hunter’s hand during the ultrasound, or gotten our hopes up so quickly. Either way, i guess it’s difficult. It doesn’t make the experience any easier to know that I get pregnant quickly and easily.

My doctor mentioned the word infertility to me and I was thrown back. I always thought infertility was associated with the INABILITY to get pregnant. He told me that women who experience recurrent miscarriages are also considered to be dealing with infertility. Scary word. I know there are a million people out there who have worse problems than me, but sometimes you just need to sit in your own sadness. Your particular trials are hard for YOU. It’s a good way to share your emotions without feeling so alone. And maybe there is someone out there going through something similar as me? Let me know if there is-I would love to hear from you.

Anyways, I am stepping off my soapbox. 

So, let's all put our striped shirts on and be ok with the trials we have going on. Easier said than done, eh?

Love, Lacy